Super Hero dualities

"With great power comes great responsibility."

Been watching a lot of Spider Man lately on tv and this has got me thinking. This only makes sense in my head, but sometimes it feels like life imitating art, mostly because Spider Man was created WAY before I was born and on the stereotypes of a social out cast who is squirming his way through life and taking guff from everyone because he can't stand up for himself yada, yada, yada. Basically me through all of high school. I also tend to use comic book heroes in my analogies of undocumented people because of the obvious dualities we both share. Mostly stuff with having a secret identity, living outside the normal parameters of everyday life, again with the social outcast and a few more other topics that tend to focus more on me personally.

You would think that if I were to identify with comic characters I would gravitate more toward Superman, the Ultimate Illegal Alien or the X-Men, people who have to fight for their right to live from an ignorant and in there case, gene'ophobic society. And I do, but at the end of the day it's Spider Man all the way, the working class hero. Comparisons like this one don't really help things in the long run because it's just fantasy and escape, but it does help filter and guide in the absence of the real thing from friends and family. It's only natural that we all tend to live vicariously through other entities fictional or not. I just do it more with comics because I grew up on them and I have a profound love for them the same way other people love poetry, short stories etc.   

Quick Draw

I think I'd like to do something nice for somebody
I think it's good if you smile at somebody and they smile in return
Voluntary love encourages people to create a sense of friendlyness
Love that is unconditional gives us respect as people
However, it is wrong to force love to try to keep it alive
If the strain goes on, eventually it will bloom into the flower called
lie
The deceptively, thorny flower that hurts people

Yashihiro Nightgow

~ con safos ~

Updates

"Cama cama cama camaleón yo soy el camaleón Cama cama cama camaleón yo soy el camaleón A mi me dicen el camaleón por que cambio de Color para cada situación yo tengo un color Mejor" 

~ My mom is something when she's drunk. Come to think of it, I've never seen my mom drunk. My dad a bunch of times but not her. She works hard and she deserved it :) Anywho, I've made some changes to this place. Ive' had the same layout and color scheme for going on what... . three years ? Damn that's a long time !!

Looking back

"Best to you. Please stay strong. Do what it takes. Chant. Find an SGI organization. Chant nam myo ho renge kyo. Do what ever it takes to be legal in this country without hurting another, especially a woman who will love you deeply. You can do it."

~ You know that feeling of emptiness and loss of direction you get when you go on break from school or work ? I got a bit of that today, so I spent the day cleaning and organizing things. I looked through all my school stuff and got rid of things I don't need. Online I cleaned out my gmail since I use that the most. At this point, I'm not even going to touch my yahoo account. Pfft screw that. I'd rather be out on the streets doing something. I looked over 726 emails until I was left with 69. Yeah.

But it was cool though, you know because during the process I reread old emails and just went back to that moment in the email. Some of the older emails were of people emailing me in response to this blog, like the quote I put at the top or this one, "Keep up the good work kid. You're fighting the good fight." I needed to read that with the year coming to an end, which is why I made it a point to clean and organize. In some of those emails I also got spam, mentions of things I'm doing now like working with people at UCLA on DREAM Act stuff, meeting friends for the first time and the one that hit the old ticker was emails from other people with no papers telling me how they found this blog, how they related to everything I write about and how glad they are they found someone to share their thoughts with.

To recognize yourself or not, that is the question

In my life there has always been a divide in recognition. You see, growing up my parents never gave me positive attention in recognition for doing a good job at something or encouragement that we all crave and look for. That "good job mijo, I'm proud of you." *hug* "Let's go buy you a paleta." *smile* I would remember as a kid my dad bragging to his friends, in a drunken stupor, how I got 8's, 9's and 10's when I was in kinder garden. That's as far as it got really. When I graduated from high jr. high and high school all we did was go to the buffet. Hmm... in retrospect it all seems so empty and meaningless now. It's not their fault though. They didn't get any of that support from their parents either, in fact they got quite the opposite from what they say, so It's only natural that they wouldn't know how to express such feelings genuine sense of recognition, but they showed it in their own way.

Last week I got back my paper, which I posted here, on relating a story from "The Republic of East L.A." to stuff from class. I got an A+, as you can see from the pic. When I got the paper back I had mix feelings. For one, the paper was easy for me to write. I didn't struggle doing it and it all flowed really. Partly because I payed attention in class and did the reading and stuff, still. It felt weird, specially reading her comments about how she really dug what I wrote in tying both the book and class to my personal stuff. I wanted to post it on facebook and be all like, "I got an A+ on my paper. Awwwww yeah !!" but then I said, "no. It's that kind of flashy'ness that takes away from the grade and work you put in, being all loud and proud. It's only a paper." I later ended up telling one person. I couldn't help myself :-)

Searching for a heart of Gold

Much like the bear, I too am feeling like smiling again. As some of you have read, I wasn't doing to well and got down on myself. Someone commented that I should stop because I'm making them depressed ahaha It's been about a good solid month that I've been on my own again. We all have our ups and down and age does help, trust me. It's all a matter of getting it out through positive channels, talking and making peace with it, more or less. Needless to say I have a few good poems that I will be sharing at open mic events. So as of right now, all is well in the world of El Random Hero again, as well as it can get anyway.


I have made peace with myself again and I can tell I am getting older and wiser. I am focusing on going back to the way things were 7 months ago, writing, going to events on my own and living my life. It's great to have someone to share it with, no doubt about it, but that's not where my life is right now. It would seem that there is a universal rule for being in a relationship, from my experience and talking to others about this, and that is that you must be able to stand on your own two feet. This can be interpreted as not living with the parents, having a "good job" and having a stable life. This current chapter of my life doesn't allow for that. I'm transferring to CSUN, GOD WILLING I GET IN ALREADY, and frankly, that's where my money and energy are going.

I would love to be able to share my experiences with someone else as I continue my journey, but that's not in the cards, something I have to keep reminding myself of every so often. Alas, the lone wolf continues his journey into Valhalla. This past Sunday I was given some words of wisdom, words that I am taking to the heart because she is older and has seen the world more than I could ever hope to right now. She told me what I needed to her, not just her but some other friends as well. I needed to hear that. We all lose ourselves that it's often necessary to reevaluate where we are and what we are doing.

It's getting closer to the end of the year, it's only natural. As always,, I will be chronicling my thoughts and journey on this here blogiddy blog. I may lose some of you and I may gain new people, it happens. This is more for me than anyone else. Stick around. You never know what's next.  

Community Cultural Wealth

I've talked about the great stuff I've been learning in my Chicano Studies class this semester. FYI I've only taken two Chicano studies class IN MY ENTIRE ACADEMIC LIFE. One about murals and this one about contemporary issues, everything else I've learned on the streets. Needless to say that the switch from learning this stuff first hand and then reading about it from an academia point of view is quite a change. Frankly, I love both but if I had to choose, I love academia way more. Seriously, reading books, research notes, articles and all that other stuff is the shizz. I'm like aaawwwww yeah !! That's what I'm talking about. Mostly cause it makes me feel ubber smart :) Anyway..... in my class, the teacher had an intern/junior teacher, who is a Chicano Studies higher education major who just graduated from CSUN with her masters, go CSUN.

For the latter half of the class, she took over and focused on the educational pipe line and things of that nature. Nothing new to me since I've read about that before, but great stuff none the less. Here is some of the stuff we discussed in class. And when I say discuss, I mean she talks, the class listens and says nothing and I'm the only one saying stuff. Not all the time, but I do feel like I dominate the class with my questions. My final for this class is Monday so this is from the notes I made earlier today to study. If you are interested in finding out more, look up Tara Yosso, she's one of the main researchers contributing to this subject. EVERYTHING I MENTION NOT ONLY APPLIES, BUT INCREASES TEN FOLD FOR UNDOCUMENTED STUDENTS.

Retrospectives

For those of you reading my thoughs as of late, you know that my mind has been on other things. Too be honest, that's been happening for longer than I care to remember. When I first started to write, it was more to inform than to vent. Yet, with soo many other new outlets, like dream activist and other people blogging about being undocumented from a variety of aspects, I began to focus more on myself. Natrually, this space turned into more of a diary sorts with each post.And to be honest, somewhere along I kinda ran out of things to talk about and explain. I talked about ID's, the DREAM Act, legislation and other stuff of that nature and again, you can easaly find that kind of information somewhere else.

I guess it's a nutural fit that this space starting developing into that diary, rather than just being another blog that regergitates info that others may write about and add my two cents to it. One thing is for sure though, people seem to be getting tired of the, "I'm heart broken, therefore I'm sad and depressed routine." So I'll turn it down not just for people that are tired of reading that, but because it's not healthy to dwell on things like that. Energy is in constant motion, as should I. I've been described as a "relationship kind of guy" so I get in touch with my inner emotions. Moving on.

I was checking out the campus progress email news letter and they mentioned a story in the Washington Post about homeless college students:
 
Lewis and Wilson are both in their 20s, both college students and both homeless.

Their stories are remarkable and humbling in so many ways. They shatter our assumptions about who is homeless, and they put so many of our daily struggles in stark perspective. 

It's easy to get caught in our lives and our daily happenings, with friends and of course family. It's easy to ignore and shut out everything happening in the world, specially since we are all so disconnected from each other. For me, more than anything, being homeless was always around the corner, specially when I was a kid. My parents had to look after four kids and they do what they have to. For that I am always thankful and appreciative of them. It's easy to get got caught within ourselves and think that we have it worse than anyone else. We don't. I don't. I don't tell myself that as an excuse to justify or alleviate problems in my life. I do it as a reminder that life is a struggle and nothing can stop us from getting what we want when we set our minds to it. We all get distracted every now and then, it's ok to be selfish. Just don't make a habbit of it. Advice I should be implicating rather than preaching.     

Lost July

Lost July

The longer one holds onto a memory
The longer one lives in the past
The deeper the memory they hold onto
The more beautiful the past will become
The beautiful memories will eventually turn into hate
Even if they look ahead, they lose the ability to walk
As long as the heavy chain of regret continues to fetter the heart
As long as the tears of sadness continue to flow


Originally posted on myspace on July 22, 2006

Nuevo dia

I deleted all the pictures I had on my phone. All 2 gigs of them. It's
safe to say that I almost average out a pic a day. I love taking pics
and sharing them with others. They say things words fail to describe
sometimes. Part of the reason I did it was because I need to move on.
Whether I like it or not. Looking through the pics I can remember what
was going on that day. It also brings up feelings.

At first I said to myself that I should leave them there. That way I
can get use to seeing the past and not have regrets about it and I
don't. I saved all the pics. But it's too much. I lose myself in
pictures of her, which there are a lot of. I don't like the way i feel
inside looking at those pics. Hollow and scortched. I don't understand
why it's hitting me know. I though I was in a good place, but I'm not.

My mind can only be distracted for soo long before I start dwelling on
her again. It's really a horrible feeling. I hate it. It's almost
purpetual because I don't know when it'll stop. I want it to be soon.
Sad face :-(
~ con safos ~