The demarcation of my values

Being positive is the hardest thing I consciously work on. Constantly. There are moments in which it feels like in pulling fingernails with pliers. To consciously be positive, both for others, and myself is tremendously strenuous. The incredible ease in which I can just hate, critic, and mock with the utmost disdain is indeed a conscious struggle. I like to think I’ve made some progress in how I handle situations, but it’s not enough. I still catch myself slipping here and there.

My intentions are not to silence or censor myself, but to be more critical and productive with this internal need to speak my mind, call out bullshit and have my own voice be heard in conversations. But even that in itself is incredibly selfish. This want to have a dominant voice, be acknowledged and valued as a source of wisdom and resources is something that I’ve been getting rid of because it turns into a gluttonous craving.

Hard to say how and why I’m like this now, and it’s not important right now. Not being able to see these qualities within myself has lead to questionable decisions on my part that ripple through friends and circles. My current priority is to stop them here and now. If I can do that, I can take the time I need to look back on how I got like this and start changing things from within.

No way will I ever force myself to fake being happy for someone I could careless about, but that doesn’t give me an excuse to be vindictive either. I can be genuinely happy for close friends and family when good things happen to and for them, but not to people who are at best, frequent acquaintances. The fluidity of relationships, like water, takes the shape of the container. The container will change and the water will take a new shape, but it’ll still be water at the end of the day. Unless that water is frozen and/or turned into a gas, then it takes on a whole new meaning from there. Now I'm just rambling.

The demarcation of my values escapes me. Like said water constantly changing containers, few things have been constant in my life, all except the help and support of friends. I think about that and realize that I have no reason nor excuse to be negative toward anyone given what I’ve gone through and whose gone through it with me. I’m blessed beyond count, but my ignorance blinds me to no bounds.

I’ve gotten use to throwing myself pity parties and being dramatic. In those moments, I knew of nothing else but that, but I’m glad to be learning other wise. Putting an end to destructive habits and creating positive one’s in their place has taken a lot of personal growth. Growth that wasn’t possible without the help of others.

Bourgy Values

In my life, I’ve assigned being bourgy to things I’ve never had the opportunity to try and/or explore. And because they were out of my reach for whatever reason, I figured that trying to get specific things or acting a certain way meant I’m selling out and that I’m ashamed of where I came from.

As is the case in other aspects of my life, I’m finding that selling out can mean many different things and that sometimes people can’t help be bourgy and/or sell outs because that’s all they know. And in all honesty, that’s totally fine. One can’t be blamed for how they’ve been raised and what habits form from that, but one can be held accountable for frontin’.

And that’s what it comes down to really. I can understand someone being poor all of their life, working hard to move up the ladder, leave the hood, sell out and have a baller life style. They’ve put in the time and made it happen. And they don’t deny it either. But the one’s who do the same thing and deny what they are doing, claim to be for the people and/or community and are just opportunist, those are the people I have beef with.

Then again, I’m still trying to make sense of all this and generally stay off the hateraid. But I can’t help ponder and entertain these ideas given the people I’m around sometimes. I know what I like and I enjoy it, just as others do the same. And I do respect that folks work hard for their money and if they wanna spend it at places I would never give I consider fancy, then that’s on them.

It just that there’s this nagging feeling of always having to worry about money. Knowing that while I could afford a $10 drink, part of me is going, “I paid $10 for this?” When I could have gone somewhere else and gotten more bang for my buck, you know. But there are days in which I do treat myself to whatever I want without stopping to think of price.

But at the same time, I don’t aspire to any of those kinds of places. I can appreciate them but that’s not me. I’m just there because the group is there and it’s only fair to sort of take turns in doing something they like and then doing something I like. I dunno, it just seems like I don’ fit in anymore and I’m finding comfort and stability in being independent, something that I never truly had before. The fact that I'm able to see the situation from a different perspective because things in my life are in a better place, helps out tremendously.

Assimilation Doesn't Equal Liberation

At one point in my life you may have heard me say that I want to be an American. And at that time, I meant it. But as with anything else, time changes things and I no longer desire to be American. There are several layers to that statement, but it basically comes down to assimilation doesn’t equal liberation.

English is technically my second language and the only reason I’ve adapted to the US is because I’ve spent the majority of my life here. The culmination of my time here has guided me to the kind of understanding I have today, that at the end of the day, all want is to be a citizen of the US, but I will never call myself an American.

I’ve invested in this countries system just as much as it has in me, and to not attain citizenship would be like giving up on everything I’ve gone through and worked for. It’s the principal of the whole thing. It’s principalities in this.

Help me get to Netroots Nation this year

Warning: Self Promotion Ahead

Occasional readers of this blog, I need your help. I'm trying to get to Netroot Nations this year. Netroots nations is, "We amplify progressive voices by providing an online and in-person campus for exchanging ideas and learning how to be more effective in using technology to influence the public debate. Through our annual convention and other events, we strengthen the community, inspire action and serve as an incubator for ideas that challenge the status quo and ultimately affect change in the public sphere."

That being said, the scholarship competition works like a popularity contest. The folks with the most votes are given a scholarship to attend the conference. I applied last year and sadly, didn't make it  :( That's why I'm applying again this year, and doing a HUGE push, flexing my social media muscles.

So take 2 minutes of you time and CLICK THIS LIKE RIGHT HERE and vote for me. Once you do that, take to more minutes and vote for my home girls Nancy Meza and Meagan Ortiz. They both bring in something that is critically needed at these kind of conferences, woman of color in media.

VOTE FOR NANCY HERE

VOTE FOR MAEGEN HERE

La Santa Cecilia: ICE El Hielo

I've had the privilege of seeing La Santa Cecilia grow as a band. They'v been putting in work for the last couple of years and the community has supported their efforts at every step possible. At the same time, the band has returned that same kind of suppor by always playing at fundraisers, parties and marches. They're a band for the by people by the people and it shows through and through.

Their latest video, "El Hielo" is a perfect example of the bands commitment to supporting the fight for social justice through their music and art. The video is part of the National Day Laborer Organizing Network's campaign #not1more. The video hit close to the heart for alotta folks and it has some familiar faces for those that organize and do work here in Los Angeles and Arizona. If you haven't seen a LSC show in person yet, be sure to follow them on facebook and catch them next time they're playing near you.

How I learned English and American pop culture from the Simpsons

I’ve been re-watching old Simpsons episodes. I’m talking about the first 10 seasons or so, which are the classic episodes folks grew up with. I started watching them because I don’t have a TV or internet connection at home, so these old episodes help me zone out and by happenstance, revisit some childhood memories.

In the early days of when I fist arrived to the US, watching Saturday morning cartoons was one of the things that didn’t really change. In Mexico, I reveled in the time I got to spend in front of the TV watching the same shows everyone else watched, but in Spanish. I asked my mom about this once, and she told me about how I use to sing the Thudercats song when the show came on and I’d be swinging a sword while watching.

And like some latchkey kid, whenever I wasn’t in school, I’d be playing video game or watching TV with my younger sisters. There are too many shows to name that contributed to my mastery of the English language at an early age, but also a wealth of useless pop-culture knowledge that is increasingly becoming irrelevant with the passage time. All these nuclear family sitcoms also instilled false sense of what it meant to be “American,” social norms and what to expect out of universal experiences such as high school and college.

It took me a while to filter out all of the subliminal brainwashing that comes with pop-culture, leaving only a chewy, nugget center of nerdom and knowledge that has helped me navigate different paths throughout my life. Real fans of the Simpsons know that it was much more than a situational slapstick comedy. It parodied old movies, historical events and nuances that can be over looked if you don’t know what to look for.

To me, it’s happenstance that all of the gems dropped into every episode sank deep into my psyche and molded the foundation for my logic, sense of humor, sense of sarcasm and partly, my view on life. But this goes numerous other things such as some of my favorite movies, books, music, comic books, video games etc.

But what makes the Simpsons the exception is that I found the show at a time when I was starting to laying the foundation as I was learning English at home with the TV and at school with other kids.

I guess more than anything, as I laugh hysterically, I’m appreciating the true uniqueness of the show, noticing things I didn’t before and appreciating the simplicity of it all. That I learned English from watching shows like the Simpsons.