Wednesday, July 23, 2008

Saying no to great opportunities

In the last few days I have been contemplating something that I shouldn't be and that's passing on an internship. Without getting into any incriminating details, I basically passed on an internship opportunity this week because it means putting my self at risk. Again without getting into too much detail, the government has way of knowing everything you do in your life, whether you want them to know or not. Taking on this paid internship would have meant doing things that I shouldn't be doing in the first place. I am not a legal U.S. resident , thus I cannot legally work or apply for internships that pay. Obviously I have considered the chance that I might still be able to be part of the internship without pay, but I need to focus on other things, despite again passing up such a great opportunity. This is not the first nor the last time I will have to make a decision like this. I have turned down many a job because of my legal status and every time I go through this stupid cycle of semi-depression. Every time I get my hopes up thinking that this time around they're be some way for me to be able to take on a better paying job, I get denied. I've done it so many times now that it has sadly become a routine. People see the type of person I am and want to help me, but what good is that help if the U.S. says I don't qualify for that help because of my illegal residence. The depression use to be a lot worse a year ago. Ohh man when I got frustrated back then about work, life and my x-girl I would go outside and punch walls till my knuckles bleed. Now adays I just pretend like everything is cool, when in reality I'm still dealing with what happened inside my head. Sometimes all that thinking makes me hungry for junk food that'll only make me fatter. Passing by on great opportunities is part of my daily life. I don't get excited about anything anymore really. Why should when I know that I'll be denied and tossed to the side. I know that there are internships that don't ask for the things that I lack, but those are hard to come by and sought after, just like scholarships. I know that it's not impossible to make it because others have and sometimes I look to those who came before me for inspiration. Then again they had the support of family and friends. I on the other hand am grateful and extremely lucky to have the friends that I have, but at the end of the day it's just me and my dog against the world. That's what I'm reminded of when I have to turn down great opportunities, it's me against the world. Somedays I even feel like going to sleep and never waking up ever again. Course those are the days when I'm depressed or bummed out, kinda like today.

6 comments:

iamashadow said...

Hey, I've been reading some of your entries and I really like what you write. I hope you don't mind if I put this entry on my blog because this is EXACTLY how I feel sometimes. Let me know if you don't want though.

Anonymous said...

This blog is so important
so wonderful. don't be depressed, you're telling the stories for the people who can't tell them. One day your blog will be a book.
I wish everyone could read this.

barb said...

well, this might be coming a week late but I hope you're feeling better by now. I wish I had some great advice for you but I don't. One of my ex-boyfriends lost his legal status while we were dating and it really made life rough for him. I hope things get easier soon. Hang in there. You're not alone.

_Jackie_ said...

Hola muchacho. I love how you connected the rant to eating a lot of junk food to getting fat. Wow. But I'm glad to see that you're blogging a lot =-)

<3 Tinsley said...

junk food? don't waste your money on junk food. as a dreamie I can't afford to be eating junk food!
anyways, you have no idea who i am but yeah I saw ur blog on ianus' blog.
it's a good one. keep it up.

Somfolnalco said...

This is a great entry. I know how you feel about having your hands tied and feeling like you can get ahead if only one gave you a chance.

I hope we get that chance soon

btw ill add you to my blog roll if thats ok