Saturday, May 09, 2009

A'ma

It's only now that I'm away from her that I realize how much she means to me and how much I appreciate everything she has ever done for me. From giving me life, showing me how to persinarme, how to write, hold a spoon, what hand to wear a watch on, take me to school on the handle bars of my bike to feeding my soul with her cooking. I owe more than I can ever repay to her. I love her and even though I've never said it to her, I think she knows it's there.

My family was never all emotional like that, to the point that we told each other how we felt, outside of rage and anger. I've realized that my parents are like that themselves because of their parents or lack there of. My dad was one of the youngest kids in the litter and ran away from home around 10 because his dad would beat the shit outta him for no reason and he would get kicked out of school. My mom was, I wanna say, abandoned by her mom and I've never once heard her say anything about her father. She was raised by her aunt and that's who she knows as her mom. Needless to say they carried on that luggage all their lives and never learned to cope with it.

I myself am expressive towards others and don't have their hang ups, but when it comes to them it just feels weird and outta place cause we never did any of that stuff. I see other familias and how they are with each other and I envy them to an extent. My parents may have never hugged me when I was a kid or be very affectionate, but they cared none the less and showed it in their own weird way. Even now, I struggle to call her up and wish her a happy B-day or mothers day because our conversations end rather quick. I as how things are going, tell her what I'm doing, what they're planning and we wish each other the best. Pretty short conversations. But I know somewhere in between we said what we really wanted to say. Even though it was buried somewhere in that conversation.

4 comments:

American Brat 540 said...

My mom is very rarely explicitly loving, but when she is, I let myself be vulnerable, even though I know she'll go back to being cold in an instant, and I'll be left alone again. But she's mommy, and I still love her.

Doña Junta said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Doña Junta said...

Dam Random you been getting all mushy and emo latley first poetry and now expressing feeling wow interesting.lol

El Random Hero said...

hahaha you know me, I'm random like that