Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Too much thinking

The last few days for me have been good. I'm enjoying myself and the
company around me, the people I surround myself with and the ones I
look up to/admire. Yet, when I go back the house I'm currently living
in, it all disappears into nothingness. I was given advise, few months
back, but I'm still where I'm at and it's because it's my fault.

I tell myself that by sacraficing going to school all week and working
two days a week is the best solution right now. I tell myself that
living at my friends house, with his family and all the stuff that
comes along is worth my education. I still think/feel this way, but
the sacrfice is losing its value, convinience and appeal.

A while back I came to realize that not having my own place of zen,
other aspects of my everyday life suffered, along with the people
around me. It's happening again. I don't like being grouchy all the
time. I don't like being mad all the time. I don't like a lot of
things right now but it's the best I can do because I don't wanna work
where I work anymore.

I want to be able to get paid for my stories rather than just
publishing them on blogs and magazines. Frustration builds up over
time and it just ruins things in the end. Balance requires an even
exchange. If I want my own place I need to make more $$$$ If I want my
own space I need to make more $$$$ if I want my own place of zen
outside my subconscious, I need more $$$$ Money, I've learned to live
without it for soo long that no matter how much I detach myself from
it, I still need it to stay sane. I need $$$$ to live without it. $_$
~ con safos ~

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