Friday, August 14, 2009

:-(

Yeah it's one of those days. I think part of the reason for this is
because I don't work as much and because I'm outta school. So an idle
mind is a bad thing. It's not healthy to think so much when you think
negative things all day. So as I sit here all teary eyed at the
frustrations in my life sitting next to Harly hearing her pant from
the heat, I stare at her and smile. Her unconditional love and
affection steer my thoughts away from the negativity in not only my
life, but life in general.

Today is a rather frustrating day. I want it to be Sunday so I can be
on my way back home to see my family. I want to be with them again
because even though we have our beefs, family is family. It's one of
those days were everything falls apart and I break down from the
frustration of having to be an undocumented resident in a country that
is, more or less, blaming undocumented residents on the nations
problems.

You feel that everyday of course but today, at least for me, I feel it
now more than ever. Frustration beyond description. A younger me would
punch random things to get out those frustrations, but alas. A broken/
injured hand is the last thing I need right now. No I don't have to do
that anymore. The great thing about getting older is that you also get
wiser, yet that doesn't help one bit right now.

Often, in times of frustration like this, I think about what I can do.
You know, the possibilities in front of me and what they could all
mean for the future. It's weird to because I was suppose to work
today, but through a miss understanding, I'm not. Thus here I am.
Depressed and writing about it because it needs some sort of out let.
I read about the suffering going on in the world. Families in the
middle east lossing loved ones to warfare and my dilema doesn't
compare. It's that disconnect that allows me to feel apathy for others
when things could be worse for me.

Yes, things could be worse. How can we experience and appreciate the
heights of joy when we've never lived through the depths of grief. No,
no quote, line, verse or anything can aliveate the way I feel. All I
can do is hide it, just as everyone else does. Hide what we don't want
them to see so that life can go along as it always does. It's not fun
being the sad guy in the group. So, it's better to go at it alone.

The frustration comes from feeling so powerless and out of control.
Not in control of my life and not in control of my circumstances. Ohh
how I long for the feeling of normalcy. To not know what I know and be
oblivious to that which is outta my reach. Window shopping is never
fun. Neither is living your life that way. Bleh.

~ con safos ~

4 comments:

iamashadow said...

If you need to talk to someone, you know my email. I hope you're doing okay.

loveandhatela said...

Oh damn...see i should of not read your post this morning....now im gonna get all depressed..:)

You have to know that you are not the only one that is going through this.

You have to mentally psyche yourself out and pump your ego.
You can do it, etc.
I know its easier said than done.

As someone that has had several yrs of cognitive therapy under my belt,I know.

Your THOUGHTS become your FEELINGS which in turn become your ACTIONS.

So you gotta start by changing your thoughts.
I mean acknowledge them but dont marinate in them..lol let them go!

Your a writer- write every day- about anything.
Also i use music and photography as an outlet to relax and decompress from stress.
I also use to be an alcoholic, but i now use sweets like chocolate to sedate me..lol
Just remember, be grateful for what you do have, as small or little as that may be.

Echale Ganas.

Somfolnalco said...

you have been consistently there for me when i am down. and you know that no matter what, you are no longer enduring this alone, just as i am no longer alone.

we need to reach out to each other if not but for an ear and a shoulder.

your strength and resilience and wit make me stronger, so no se me aguite carajo or else who the fuck will cheer me up?

Lu said...

"The frustration comes from feeling so powerless and out of control.
Not in control of my life and not in control of my circumstances."

Exactly.

Have a good time with the fam.