Saturday, September 26, 2009

My Papá

I have a, how can I put this, ackwerd relationship. I should be
greatful and joyful that I grew up with a father in my life right ?
Well what can I say, I don't see things like that. He has legal
residence and because things go so bad back home, he's here in LA
looking for work to move my sistas and mom back. How he plans to do
this remains to be seen and that's my biggest issue with him.

He doesn't speak fluent English, yet he's made it so far in life with
little to now skills. Just a work ethic that will get him through
anything he sets his mind to. I admire that about him, but that's
about it. I don't admire much of him as my father, but more on the man
I remember when I was growing up.

It frustrates me that no matter what, he won't change his mind and go
off and do something with the greatest of hopes and ambitions, giving
it his all no matter what anyone says. He goes out and does his own
thing. He's his own man and no one can ever take that away from him.
That still doesn't make up for the fact that commen sense and logic
escapes him sometimes.

So here he is in LA again, trying go find work and digging in the old
holes he use to know. He gets me to help him when it comes to legal
info and translating of course and that frustrates me. I know that
when he has something goi g he'll want me to go help him and I know
that I won't. I don't really know why I resent him so much now.

He's my father and he's respocible for molding me and my core values.
Because of him I am who I am one way or another, we're interconnected
like that. All family is. He's still the same man I knew as a kid.
Driving drunk when the whole family is telling him not to. Starting
some sort of misadventure, shennanigans that'll end up who knows
where. Last time that happen we moved to a different state. All these
years he's still the same man, more or less. I use to look up to him,
now adage I see him on a level plain and at times down on him. My
father is a man, no doubt about. He raised his kids well and provided
for his family. Sacrafices his life for ours. I'll eventually return
the favor but not right now. Not anytime soon. They give us more hangs
up than gifts. Eventually I'll see over these stupid notions, but not
right now.
~ con safos ~

4 comments:

love and hate los angeles said...

Oh man...
no one gets to choose their parents.
My father he was a financial provider,and thats about it. We would see him on Sundays for church and brunch.
He worked hard Mon-Fri and on Saturdays he would hang with his cousins and friends- de borachos etc.
He lived with us and i grew up around him, but other than taking us to baseball games and teaching us how to drive, he didnt do anything else for me or my siblings.
Ive always resented that- parents are the first teachers they are suppose to inspire and motivate.
Infuse their spawn with knowledge and make them a better version of themselves.

Oh and he also gave me the alcoholic predisposition tambien lol- im now sober- 5yrs.

A couple yrs ago i called him on it and i told him everything i felt and needed to get out of my system.
But hes the typical masculine, hard headed latino.
I told him you reap what you sow!
My mom was my father too and my older siblings taught me the man manly stuff :)

Your father is an adult and you are an adult, seriously honestly you have no responsibility or obligation to him.
Parents are suppose to nurture and create a safe and stable secure environment for their kids and your father seems like he didnt quite reach that.
Its never too late.
But people dont change.
They have to recognize and accept that they messed up- and i have a feeling your dad has a big ego and pride issues that would get in the way.

Ive vowed not to become like my father..cold and passive and almost like he doesnt care sometimes like he has no heart or emotions- ive never seen him cry.

-ahora de joven ...para gozar de viejo!

10cents said...

Wow, what a bunch of selfish, ungrateful mocosos you sound like. " My dadddy wasn't around enough because he was busting his ass providing for our family"
As a father of 5 let me just say it's not easy being the man of the house. First of all kids don't come with owners manuals or instructions. Yes parents are the first teachers but we learned, mainly from our own parents who may not have been perfect in their own right. We might have our own hangups such as alcohol addiction, drug addiction or anger management issues. We might have had you guy's when we were still children or very young adults ourselves.
The above comment really blows me away. "Boo Hoo, I only saw my dad on Sundays at church becaues he busted his ass Monday thru Friday relaxed one day with his primos and a few bistos on Saturday and still got up early on Sunday for church and brunch". Tu sabes, back in the day a man was honered and respected for doing that very thing. Oh and let's not leave out " Whaaaaa, my daddy was only around to teach us to drive and take us to ball games" well damn, the vato was working Monday thru Friday , drinking on Saturday, going to church on Sunday and still managed to work in some time to teach you to drive and take you to some games? I gotta give the man props. And with all that said, you say we have no obligation to our parents. My father was not excatly a role model either. I didn't live in the Brady Bunch. But I respect the fact that he did the best he could to look out for me and my brothers and provided the best he could.So yes I do have an obligation to my old man.
And to Random and Love and Hate LA , I'm sure your jefito's intentions were always the best too, even if it might not have seemed that way. As far as the comments " I never seen my dad cry" , Like I said it's hard being the man of the house. You want your kids to see you as strong, like The Rock of Gibraltar. I don't think my kids have ever seen me cry either. That doesn't mean I'm heartless or unemotional. I just let my emotions out when I'm alone.
Give the old vatos a break. They might have not been raised under the best conditions either and they are just doing the best they can. Take the good with the bad because when they're gone you will miss everything about them, good or bad.

Anonymous said...

Wow great post 10 cents.

Now that I am an adult and went through what ElRandom is going through myself, all i can say is:

"Some things are better left unsaid."

Parents do the best to their ability with what they have at the time. If years later you don't think it's adequate, that sh*t stays to yourself. You put on a happy face,and at least fake the love if you don't feel it. Chances are, the fact that you are coherent enough to try and analyze your childhood, says wonders about how you turned out to be. They are humans you know.

ElRandom, your post is the expression of what EVERYONE goes through when they become adults, realizing that parents are human. It's actually a natural phase and part of life. How you deal with it is another story. My advice: That sh*t stays to yourself!

Anonymous said...

yet he's made it so far in life with
little to now skills. Just a work ethic that will get him through
anything he sets his mind to.

he won't change his mind and go
off and do something with the greatest of hopes and ambitions, giving
it his all no matter what anyone says. He goes out and does his own
thing. He's his own man and no one can ever take that away from him.

I don't really know why I resent him so much now.

He's my father and he's respocible for molding me and my core values.
Because of him I am who I am one way or another

He raised his kids well and provided
for his family. Sacrafices his life for ours.


FROM WHAT I READ IT SEEMS TO ME THAT YOU APPRECIATE AND RESPECT YOUR POP'S ALOT, YOU JUST DON'T KNOW IT YET.