Saturday, October 24, 2009

Dilly of a pickle

I'll get to the point this time around, I'm depressed. I think I've
mentioned before how I have this cycle of depression. It's goes from
bliss to apathy and right about, I'm getting toward the bottom of the
barrel. You see, it's like this so far, school, the gf and moving in
back with my parental units have been going awesome. Everything was
going great, except just being exausted from school work and moving.

But as I've written before, all it takes is one pebble to cause a
murderous (sp ?) landslide that oblitirates everything good i have
going for me. Like anything else, this goes to back to the I don't
have papers cituation and resurects all of those feelings that get
shoved aside inorder for me to go about life normally. Whatever normal
is.

Yes I feel like complete and udder shit. Crap. Dookie. Caca. Popo.
Feces. Manour. Just plain sad, mad and bad. Hypothetically speaking,
I'm looking down the barrel of a shotgun right now and my future is
dependent on making one single decision. Course this happens everyday
but not at this caliber. The decision I have to make involves me being
subject to deportion if I don't do anything about. It's as serious as
it gets at this point and this isn't a cituation I wanna call a bluff
on.

This is gonna get worse before it gets before and it's gonna take a
toll on peeps around. That's why I isolate myself during these times.
This ain't no game and while I say things overconfidently and cockish
about people getting my back if I was in the deportation process and
seeking sanctuary at church, it's a real possibility that my ass is
grass. I can say details, but I gotta do something one way or another.
Not having papers sucks. It sucks all kinds of ass and balls.

I was talking to the gf about this and I told her that there has to be
someone willing to die and go down for the cause for the greater good
of everyone else. It takes one person to spur others, but at a
tremendous sacrifice to himself and his loved ones. I told her that
maybe I would have to make that kind of decision. That I would have to
step up and be a marter (sp ?) for the cause of undocumented students
like me. Do I have it in me to take it that far ? To sacrafice myself
for everyone else ? It's a possibility along with a billion others.
Only time will tell right ?

~ con safos ~

4 comments:

Lu said...

Oh man, I don't know what to say, but I feel nothing would change, even if someone "sacrificed" hirself. That's how fucked up this is. I'm sorry you are in this position and have to make these decisions. I can't say more since I don't have the details, but keep us posted.

love and hate los angeles said...

Dude is your GF a citizen of USA?
I have already told you- get married.
Its a sacrificio que vale el beneficio.
And no for no reason are you to be the example, don't step up and be a martyr.
You gotta be a bit selfish and think for and about yourself cause in the end- its only you.

If i was you i so would be super pissed at my parents for putting me in such a dilemma.
Like the saying goes...."deal with it now or it will comeback and haunt you later, you can't escape it"
y
"la mentira dura mientras la verdad aparece"

Dont lose hope and faith and echale ganas.

Anonymous said...

You shouldn't. You would be just another statistic. Life would go on for 99.9999 percent of the world.

Buddha said...

Dude is your GF a citizen of USA?
I have already told you- get married.
Its a sacrificio que vale el beneficio.


HaHa. Yeah what the hell are you waiting for.

But serio. Dude depression is a mental illness that only gets worse with time when untreated. I'm not sure what your insurance status is, but you need to get it checked out. With a little medication you'll be alright.
My pop's has dealt with depression his whole life and I thought it was something he knew how to deal with (he was never on medication). Earlier this year I walked into his room and found him with an 8" shank stiking out of his chest. He tried to kill himself. 8 months later after some group theropy and some medication the ol man is doing pretty good.
Get some help if your depression is that serious.