Saturday, November 07, 2009

Day by day

I was talking to the security gaurd at work today and i found myself
using the words, "yeah. Me and my ex-girlfriend..." Took me by
surprise because I found myself saying words I never wanted to use
again, unless talking about PREVIOUS ex-girlfriends who can't seem to
grow up. Our talk was about how the gaurd is trying to liven things up
with his wife of 17 years and mother of three kids. Seems parenthood
got the better of both of them and when I started telling him about
all the things I know about and go to, he looked to me as if I was
saving his day.

The transitions both in the begining and in the end of any
relationship are inevitably ackward and/or painful. Course I don't
have to point that out to annyone reading this. We've all been there
once or twice. It's a universal feeling really. Everyone can relate to
feelings of rejection and solitude. Up and down, back and forth.
Thinking about what if this, what if that. If only I did this or that.
If only I was like this or like that. Or in my case, because I'm like
this .....

The reasons don't matter. It's all relative in the end. Course that
doesn't mean the thoughts are not there. Of course they're there !!!
They crepted in there on my walk home. Yet, when I got home they
subsided. It's like, when I saw my mom's making tamales and sis
watching tv, it all went away. That deep feeling in my chest that made
me feel as if there was a gaping hole in there. FYI I was born with a
holding my heart.

It's funny how when in these instances of deep thought I become all
smart and coherent. Total opposite of me a few years ago wheni would
punch walls till my knukles bled. I'm proud of myself in those
instances. I have made progress. The only hard part is detaching the
lines I make up to things happening like this to me not having papers.
That is the hardest part. To see beyond the limitations that hold me
back to certain extents. Would things have been better if I did have
papeles? Of course they would but that's beside the point.

The trick with me is that i work backwards in the sense that as a
reporter, I'm meeting the people that will help me and going to places
that will encourage me. I've been told that I work backwards a few
times and that's why things are like this. I work only enough to have
cash. My focus is devoted to school and my reporting endevores on
blogs and in papers I write for. Things I wouldn't be able to do
because I'd be working too much to support myself.

So what that I still live at home. I still wear clothes from YEARS ago
and so what. I'm not here to impress you or anyone. I always get to.
You gotta be THIS way to fit in. I don't. Pfft screw you. During my
walk I thought that if I were to stop writing completely in terms of
blogging and in newspaper, I would haveTONS of time to work, get my
own place, finish school faster and be able to stand on my own two
feet. Well that's not me. I live to write about what's happening in my
community, pedejadas in my head and how I see the world. It's gotten
me this far and if I keep getting better at it, it'll get me farther
than I can ever hope. None of it is a waste of time because my time is
for helping where I can. The one thing that I do knowis that no matter
where I end up and where the wind takes me, I haveno regrets. For tis
better to have loved and lost, that to have never loved at all.

~ con safos ~

2 comments:

cindylu said...

Sometimes in relationships you do need to give in a little. And sometimes clothes is more than just clothes.

I would've gone shopping.

Sorry you're going through a tough time.

La Moussy said...

This is exactly what I needed to read today... sometimes when I read your stuff it boggles me how much we have in common... Mojados y que!!!! Hopefully we both feel better soon about the things we're going through.... animo!!!