Thursday, February 10, 2011
Never could have been worse
So, yeah ... things things seem to keep getting worse every time I think they're just about to get better. The not having a job things because I don't wanna suck metaphorical cock for a living is still the same. Most people have a hard enough time finding one, let alone someone who doesn't even legally exist in this country. Thus, with no money means that everything else in my life suffers. I can't pay my cell bill for the time being so I'm assed out. Two weeks before the 50 mile bike ride that is going to have more than 70 people riding. People calling and texting me back and forth about logistics and coordinating workshops and such. Seems when I need it the most, I end up loosing it.
Then there's school. Hmm I signed up and got into 2 outta the 3 classes I need, but hey wadda'ya know. I don't have $$ for the text books or for the classes themselves, so I'ma have to end up dropping outta school for this semester. And here I am, so close to finally being able to transfer to either Cal State North Ridge or USC. Course it doesn't really matter because I didn't even have enough $$ to send in the applications, so it all works out in the end right ? Needless to say this also applies to dating, which is impossible at this point. But it ends up working out again because I don't think I'm in the right frame to pursue anything with anyone. Home life is getting pretty dismal every day as well. If I didn't know any better, I'd swear someone was trying to test me or tell me something.
Whatever it is, I'm not getting the point or the lesson. Reading books, writing research papers and being politically conscious have pretty much fucked my life over. Gone are the days of ignorance is bliss. Now, not a day goes by in which some new fucked up realization comes to my mind that makes me wish that I wasn't around to see that kind of stuff anymore. Can't talk to anyone about this kinda stuff because they have their own life drama going on and I'm the designated listener. I help my friends make sense of their stuff and lie to them that everything will be fine and will work out. Since I'm the odd man out, writing here will suffice as always.
I'm gonna drop outta school and find a job somewhere doing something that will kill my spirit everyday I'm there. I'm gonna continue to do that for the rest of my life because I'm beginning to throw everything away. I'm tired of people's flowery words and I'm just plain fed up with being miserable. I don't blame anyone but myself for it. It's always easier to blame the world for the choices I made in life. That's how people justify suicide and other irrational actions like that. I don't think I've been this confused, angry, depressed, sad and lonely in my entire life. I have some of the best friends in the world and I'm constantly surrounded by people who are doing amazing things, but it doesn't matter in the end. At the end of the day it's just me and my thoughts. Blah, blah, blah blah ...