Sunday, May 19, 2013
To say that this is an interesting transition is an understatement. For the last couple of months, I’ve seen others enthusiastically share pictures and updates as they got approved for work permits, ID’s and driver’s licenses. I’m no stranger to over sharing myself, and had I been in this situation a few years ago, I would have done the same thing. It’s a major transition for anyone that goes through it. Going from undocumented to being quasi-documented.
I would joke with friends about having a work permit party once I was approved, because the idea of throwing a party to acknowledge this transition is hilarious to me. Like throwing a pet a birthday party. But there’s no fan fare here. No facebook post, instagram picture (sort of) or semi-emotional status update in which I make a hollow vow to continue fighting for others and/or my family so they can have the same opportunities I have.
Friday, May 10, 2013
My intentions are not to silence or censor myself, but to be more critical and productive with this internal need to speak my mind, call out bullshit and have my own voice be heard in conversations. But even that in itself is incredibly selfish. This want to have a dominant voice, be acknowledged and valued as a source of wisdom and resources is something that I’ve been getting rid of because it turns into a gluttonous craving.
Hard to say how and why I’m like this now, and it’s not important right now. Not being able to see these qualities within myself has lead to questionable decisions on my part that ripple through friends and circles. My current priority is to stop them here and now. If I can do that, I can take the time I need to look back on how I got like this and start changing things from within.
No way will I ever force myself to fake being happy for someone I could careless about, but that doesn’t give me an excuse to be vindictive either. I can be genuinely happy for close friends and family when good things happen to and for them, but not to people who are at best, frequent acquaintances. The fluidity of relationships, like water, takes the shape of the container. The container will change and the water will take a new shape, but it’ll still be water at the end of the day. Unless that water is frozen and/or turned into a gas, then it takes on a whole new meaning from there. Now I'm just rambling.
The demarcation of my values escapes me. Like said water constantly changing containers, few things have been constant in my life, all except the help and support of friends. I think about that and realize that I have no reason nor excuse to be negative toward anyone given what I’ve gone through and whose gone through it with me. I’m blessed beyond count, but my ignorance blinds me to no bounds.
I’ve gotten use to throwing myself pity parties and being dramatic. In those moments, I knew of nothing else but that, but I’m glad to be learning other wise. Putting an end to destructive habits and creating positive one’s in their place has taken a lot of personal growth. Growth that wasn’t possible without the help of others.
Monday, May 06, 2013
In my life, I’ve assigned being bourgy to things I’ve never had the opportunity to try and/or explore. And because they were out of my reach for whatever reason, I figured that trying to get specific things or acting a certain way meant I’m selling out and that I’m ashamed of where I came from.
As is the case in other aspects of my life, I’m finding that selling out can mean many different things and that sometimes people can’t help be bourgy and/or sell outs because that’s all they know. And in all honesty, that’s totally fine. One can’t be blamed for how they’ve been raised and what habits form from that, but one can be held accountable for frontin’.
And that’s what it comes down to really. I can understand someone being poor all of their life, working hard to move up the ladder, leave the hood, sell out and have a baller life style. They’ve put in the time and made it happen. And they don’t deny it either. But the one’s who do the same thing and deny what they are doing, claim to be for the people and/or community and are just opportunist, those are the people I have beef with.
Then again, I’m still trying to make sense of all this and generally stay off the hateraid. But I can’t help ponder and entertain these ideas given the people I’m around sometimes. I know what I like and I enjoy it, just as others do the same. And I do respect that folks work hard for their money and if they wanna spend it at places I would never give I consider fancy, then that’s on them.
It just that there’s this nagging feeling of always having to worry about money. Knowing that while I could afford a $10 drink, part of me is going, “I paid $10 for this?” When I could have gone somewhere else and gotten more bang for my buck, you know. But there are days in which I do treat myself to whatever I want without stopping to think of price.
But at the same time, I don’t aspire to any of those kinds of places. I can appreciate them but that’s not me. I’m just there because the group is there and it’s only fair to sort of take turns in doing something they like and then doing something I like. I dunno, it just seems like I don’ fit in anymore and I’m finding comfort and stability in being independent, something that I never truly had before. The fact that I'm able to see the situation from a different perspective because things in my life are in a better place, helps out tremendously.