Tolerated Presence

Somewhere there’s a quote by some inspiring individual that I can drop here, about how it is easier in life to hate than to love. If you think of one, insert it here on your own, other wise I may have to use a star wars reference with Yoda. The thing about hating someone or thing, at its core, is lack of understanding. While obviously not an be all end all explanation, it suits my needs for this thread of thoughts. Thus I ask myself the question, why all the hate?

Hate of/for specific individuals, things, practices, things I can’t control, pass experiences etc. The most important question for me isn’t trying to find the cause or origin, but reflecting more on the active decision making process in which I acknowledge choosing negativity versus anything positive. I don’t deny past decisions I have made, once upon a time I may have, but not these days.

Hence, knowing and fully understanding what it means to put out bad juju in the universe, I consciously throw metaphorical rocks that have started and/or escalated beefs that could have been avoided and/or ignored. None of it does any good and it only furthers to alienate myself from whatever it is I’m trying to get away from and/or put down because I don’t agree with whatever thing I don’t agree with.

I honestly hold no value in what anyone thinks of me if I don’t have respect and/or admiration for them in the first place. It makes the metaphorical rock throwing a lot easier that way. Not giving a fuck helps too. And yet, if no fuck is given, why am I still lingering on this train of thoughts?

In past instances, impetuousness mixed with hearsay created the needed spark/push to go from thinking something to sharing it and to making it extremely public via social media networks. Passive aggressive updates, while fun, do nothing in creating a constructive conversation between the beefing parties to come to a middle ground of understanding that can lead to some sort of peace or at least tolerate the presence of each other at events. I like the latter.

It’s all part of our human condition and the fallacies we all actively try to check when it rears its ugly head in everyday situations. It’s easy to put someone down to boost one’s ego/esteem or to hog stuff to take credit for actions that are communal. There are just soo many instances in which someone does something fucked up that they have to be called out, you know?

But on what authority does one put them self in a judging/policing role to say “yo, that’s fucked up. You need to be called out.” Instances of violence, use of language, abuse and things of that nature are easy to identify. But when you start getting into the nitty gritty of how personal and organizational politics play out in the grand scheme of things, on what right, if any, does one have to publicly call out someone and make beef public and does it need to be public? (Good example is my post on how I don’t like Jose Antonia Vargas.)

It’s so easy to get carried away with this shit that it can take a life of its own. Others will whisper that they feel the same way or share your opinion, but they are reserved enough to not make those comments public and just play the community politics game. But in the karma aspect, wasting energy on hating or throwing rocks isn’t the best use of one’s time and energy.

Over the years, I have gone from new comer that is innocently blind to the inner working of things, to written off trash talker that no one takes serious and is just tolerated. (Self critic here. I’m more of a nihilist than anything ☺ ). And if there is anything I have learned from all of my “foot in the mouth” moments, it is that things will always be this way.

Optimism and altruism aside from those that have been doing social justice work longer than I have been alive and aim to create spaces in which everyone can work together to uplift our communities for the best, there will always be drama. Whether it causes fits of rage or provides entertainment that shit will always be there in some shape or form. Coming to that conclusion helped me in owning my drama.

I take ownership of everything that comes out of me and when confronted about, I can engage others about it to reach a point of tolerated presence in mutual spaces. I ain’t gotta say hi to you and be fake about that shit because that’s an even worse insult to the other person and yourself. Everyone get’s stuck in this path of getting along and leasing everyone they come across, but find that to be too much work.

I follow spiritual and common sense teachings that help me navigate my life with as little anger/hate as possible, an everyday battle. To focus on the positive and not be such a nihilist, but got damn is that shit draining. I truly respect individuals who continue to fight for social justice through their golden years and beyond. And I’m always curious as to where they find their motivation to continue fighting.

For me, these are the times in which I’m trying to figure out that for myself. Questioning my commitment and feelings to continue fighting social injustices. Where is all this going to take me in the near future and will I be able to build a comfortable personal life from it all? If and butts were candy and nut, right? All questions that’ll be answered as I live my life.

But there is one thing I can pull out from all this obscurity, to handle my scandal and do my thing. There will always be differences when working in community spaces and it’s not soo much about the actual differences themselves, but how those conversations are facilitated in order to respect each other and work together when possible.